I took a girl from Bangkok out on a date as she was new to America. She got a little ***** after dinner from the drinks We ended up at the "Fun Time" arcade, We were ejected from the arcade because she was showing the girls a whole new way to play Skee Ball… Citește mai mult

Two elderly German men sneaked out of their nursing home to attend Wacken Open Air, police said. The nursing home alerted police after the gentlemen were found to be missing from the center. Police found the men at 3 a.m. at Wacken Open Air, the world’s biggest heavy metal festival. The men were reluctant to leave the four-day festival so police escorted them home with the help of a taxi and a patrol car. "They obviously liked the metal festival," police spokeswoman Merle Neufeld told public broadcaster Norddeutscher Rundfunk. "The nursing home quickly organized a return transport after… Citește mai mult

A person once told me proudly "My Body Is a Temple" to which i replied "Your Body is filled with Blood, Brains, Eyeballs and a Skeleton" It's more like a "Haunted House"… Citește mai mult

One day Grandpa called and said he could not hear in his left ear. When i arrived i looked in his ear then went to get some tweezers. I pulled a suppository from his ear and at that point i decided not to ask where his hearing aid went.… Citește mai mult

A new mother and a fashion model get on an elevator and the following conversation ensues----- Model - Looks like you have a stain on the shoulder of your blouse. Mother - Yes the baby threw up her breakfast this morning. Model - That makes two of us.… Citește mai mult

It Is a Vagina Not a Clown Car… Citește mai mult

Mistress Of The Dark… Citește mai mult

Pirate - He Who Fries The Prane… Citește mai mult

A federal inspector shows up at a farm and tells the farmer he is there to conduct an inspection. The farmer says, "OK, just stay out of that fenced in area over there." The inspector pulls out his badge and says, "YOU SEE THIS!! THIS SAYS I CAN GO WHEREVER I PLEASE." The farmer just shrugs and walks away. The inspector thinks he should probably start in the fenced in area, so he climbs the fence to get in. The next thing, a bull was chasing the inspector and the inspector was screaming and running for his life. The farmer yells, "Show him your badge!… Citește mai mult

Woman stands before a judge charged with beating her husband over the head with his own guitars. The Judge looks over his glasses at her and asks "First Offender" She looks up and says "No judge, first the Gibson, then the Fender"… Citește mai mult

An old sea captain once told me: Give a man a duck and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to duck, and he won't get knocked overboard by the sail when the wind changes… Citește mai mult

This old farmer is sitting in his rocking chair on his front porch one evening. A car comes up the driveway and parks in front of the house. A salesman gets out an walks up to the house. The farmer's friendly young dog is jumping and barking excitedly next to the salesman as he walks up to the house and he is petting her. After the salesman and the farmer talk for a bit, the salesman says to the farmer "Gee, that sure is a nice dog you have, What's it's name?" The Farmer says "Well, uh, what's that red flower the girls all like to get? The one with all the thorns on it?" The salesman says "Ros… Citește mai mult

Daughter - What do you call that bit of useless flesh at the end of the penis.? Mother - Your Father.… Citește mai mult

I SNEAKED OUT OF BED ON CHRISTMAS NIGHT, AND WHAT I SAW NEARLY SCARRED ME FOR LIFE. SANTA CLAUS WAS GOING TO TOWN. I COULD SEE HIM BUT HE COULDN'T SEE ME, WHILE HE WAS BANGING MY MUM BENEATH THE CHRISTMAS TREE, SANTA CLAUS WAS GOING TO TOWN. "HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD GIRL?" SANTA CLAUS SAID, MUM WAS DOWN ON HER KNEES JUST NODDING' HER HEAD SANTA CLAUS WAS GOING TO TOWN. "I PROMISE SOMETHING SPECIAL," THAT'S WHAT I HEARD HIM SAY. "IF YOU'RE A BAD GIRL FOR SANTA TONIGHT, I'LL BE GOOD TO YOU CHRISTMAS DAY..." HE MIGHT BE OLD AND HE MIGHT BE FAT BUT MUM SHOULDN'T KNOCK BACK AN OFFER LIKE THAT CAUS… Citește mai mult

Teacher - Robert use the word "Gringo" in a sentence. Robert - Hey ass hole the light is green go.… Citește mai mult

Contestant... "I Will Take "Australian Food" For 800 , Alex" Alex..."This Spread Is Said To Taste Like A Cross Between "Fresh Cat Shit" and "Old Stale Bouillon" Contestant..."What is Vegemite?" Alex..."And You Are Correct" Alex... "Now On To The Next Category"… Citește mai mult

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, when he saw Jesus walking by and asked him "Would you mind the gate while I run an errand?" Jesus agreed to the task. The next person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus looked at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembering his earthly existence and leaned forward and asked "Did you have any family?". The man replied "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" The man said "Well, he had h… Citește mai mult

Q - How Much ******* Can Charlie Sheen Do? A - Enough To Kill Two And A Half Men… Citește mai mult

One day before a Stones show Keith was sitting in his dressing room when a roadie knocks on the door and tells Keith "The police are here to see you". When the door closes Keith jumps up grabs his stash and runs to the toilet and proceeds to flush everything he had. Then going back to his chair he had just sat down when there was a knock on the door and in walks Sting, Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers.… Citește mai mult

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW FROM HISTORY WAS CONCEIVED BY HUMAN THOUGHTS AND WAS TURNED INTO WHAT YOU BELIEVE AT THIS TIME IN YOUR LIFE.… Citește mai mult